You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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