so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
