He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
