well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
