I think i peed on brittanys purse
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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