i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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