I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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