Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
