I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
