She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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