at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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