I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
