god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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