I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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