We won't sleep together?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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