I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
