i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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