Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
