i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
