Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
