My first STD was from a foam party
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
