If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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