So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
