hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
