You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
