I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
