Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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