I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize