I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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