I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
