can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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