I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
