I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
