so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
