beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
