Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize