Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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