Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
