I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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