I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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