I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I've blown a few things in my day
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
