Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
