he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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