Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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