everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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