Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
