I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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