Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
