last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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