I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
