I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
