At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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