I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
