More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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