i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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