Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
