Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
