laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
